At different times, in my writing or my speeches... I've spoken-out about FALL being my most-challenging time of every year.
Year after Year, I'm faced with remembering--- A daughter and grandson's September Birthdays…of remembering my brother's October Birthday—then remembering eachThanksgiving, with no family—followed
by my own December Birthday, alone--followed three days later with--my Father's Birthday.
Each year, I endure the heartache of beautiful Christmas Music from Christmases-past—day
after day---in church, in stores, television commercials, television shows, on the car radio---over and over until finally--- it’s Christmas Eve and I’m home, alone.
After suffering the agony of waking up to Christmas Day ----alone--- I can’t ignore the following day---because it’s my Mother's Birthday. There’s little recovery time before it’s New Year’s Eve--
followed by New Year Day, and all this time the World is partying together and celebrating---‘OUT WITH THE OLD—IN WITH THE NEW.” So, what’s new?!?! This time --next year—I must live-through the same pattern as this year
and so-many years- past.
I’m not purposely-shedding tears of sadness or trying to create a hopeless situation with no resolution but--- I am exposing
myself--- wide-open--- to show how vulnerable I am right now---and why. Only those who've been abandoned--tossed away like trash--can imagine such a Living Death. There’s nothing easy about LIVING-THROUGH TRADITIONAL FAMILY HOLIDAYS---especially when
familiar songs and melodies touch your heart. AND---I'd be willing to bet---I'm not alone in my sadness.
If you've read my book then you know me. You know
how-- every year at this time--- I fight to stay busy--to stay happy-- to stay focused on endless projects-- AND to "lose myself" in helping others.
the dark of night—my carefully-hidden thoughts leave their ‘hiding place"--- to test my endurance and my strength. Repeatedly-Forced to "Remember When"-- I'm every-bit as vulnerable today---as the very moment I first became--- forever-alone.
Yes, my heart is seriously-affected by the weather and—even more so---by the months on the calendar. Every autumn---as another year goes through the dying process-- My heart
also dies---all over again.